Is Being A Mum Tough?

Are mums out there doing it tough?  Whenever I speak to a friend, check Facebook or pick up a book about kids or parenting, it seems there is an overwhelming feeling of crisis looming.  When did it all get so hard?  Are you doing it tough?  And what do you do to make life a little easier for yourself?

I have been in touch with three friends today who have all told me a similar story…they are exhausted, stressed, busy beyond belief and not getting enough, if any,  support from their partners.  And that’s just today.  It’s so common to see Facebook status updates pleading for sleep or a moments peace and it seems whenever I ask someone how they are, the reply is always the same…tired, busy…completely stressed out and most commonly…in desperate need of a glass of wine.

Believe me, I also have my moments.  I am a single mother about six months of the year and with three small children, it’s not always easy, however…I don’t work in paid employment outside the home (as opposed to just work my guts out inside the home).  I thank my lucky stars every day that I have the luxury of being a stay-at-home-mum and I take my hat off to all the mums , especially the single mums, who work, by choice or otherwise.

Look familiar?

So what is the problem, exactly?  I have been thinking about this while doing the grocery shopping and I realise everyone is different and all of our situations vary so much these days but based on my own experiences…this is what I’ve come up with…

Sleep

Why aren’t our children sleeping these days?  And I’m not talking about the newborns, or even our beautiful babies…I’m talking about the two, three, four and five year olds that insist on continuously disturbing our slumber.  It’s not on…could someone please do something about this?

Food

It occurred to me walking past the pre-made lasagna (that I wouldn’t feed my kids in a fit…though I’m sure it wouldn’t kill them) in the supermarket today that all of this organic, fresh is best, make it from scratch ideology is making a lot of work for us! I spend a lot of time, effort and money trying to provide my family with the best and freshest food I can, however, last night as I was heading off to Book Club, I let them indulge in their very favorite guilty pleasure which is a Family Meat Pie from the bakery with peas and mash potato.  I fed them all, husband included, in thirty minutes for about ten dollars and had hardly any dishes!  I’m just saying….

Partners

I am lucky that my husband, when he is home, is very hands on…not that he has much choice, I have to say.  Being on my own so much so my husband can do a job he loves gives me a certain amount of bargaining power and make no mistake, I use it!  But it wasn’t always like that.  Back in the old days, when I was young…I felt it was completely up to me to do everything concerning the house and children and for as little money as possible, since I wasn’t actually ‘earning’ any.  As I’ve grown older and wiser I seem to have gotten over that but it doesn’t mean I still don’t feel a little hesitant and nervous broaching the subject of having some ‘me’ time or heading out for a night with the girls…as if I question whether I really deserve it.  Some partners are wonderful and make it (bossing them around) easy, but some, ah, do not.  How many men do you know that wake up and think…hmmm, what can I do today to make life better for my wife?  Doctor Phil does…or so he says.

Children

Are kids these days more demanding than in years gone by?  Or are we just more willing to cater to those demands?  Remember your own mum saying “go outside to play and don’t come back until I call you for tea?”  We loved that!  Remember when lunch used to be a Vegemite sandwich, a juice box (god forbid!) and an apple?  Now we spend half the night making hummus and cleaning those fiddly bloody plastic snack boxes! I love kids and I’m all for positive parenting and developing their wonderful minds and imaginations through exciting and educational experiences but I’m just saying if you really don’t feel like going to the park today…it’s okay to say no…and when they ask why not…it’s ok to say because I said so!

Guilt

Ah…guilt.  We’ve all been there, experienced it…some of us on a daily, even hourly basis!  The list of things to feel guilty about is ENDLESS…letting your kids watch television, feeding them breakfast for dinner, refusing to buy your three year old an Ipod, saying no to the soccer team to save yourself a forty minute drive at 8am every Saturday morning, eating the chocolate muffin, not eating the limp organic kale, losing your cool, arguing with your partner…Sarah Napthali tells us in Buddhism for Parents on the Go, the Tibetans don’t even have a word for guilt!  It is a totally unproductive emotion.  Get rid of it!  Do the best with what you’ve got on any given day and make peace with it.  We are not, nor will we ever be, perfect so embrace it!  Yeah!  Fuck the ironing!

Fun

Fun…sound vaguely familiar? You know, it’s what we used to do in the nineties!  Have fun!  Cooking and cleaning is not fun.  Bath time is not fun (for us, anyway).  Bed time is not fun…ROUTINE is not fun.  Sure, we get glimpses of it during our day…a sloppy kiss from your toddler, someone remembering to fill the water filter…but I’m talking about let your hair down, dancing, eating, drinking, laughing FUN.  Get some, you’ll like it!  Celebrate, do something you enjoy every single day and do not sacrifice it for anything (well, within reason).

So what can we do?

Good question.  What can we do to make life easier, a little less busy, a little more enjoyable…I bet you all have ideas so PLEASE share them here with us…leave a comment, offer some advice…you never know…it might just make someone’s day.

I truly believe heart and soul that the great majority of us and doing our very best every day.  And thank goodness!  We need mums, they get stuff done.  But be kind to yourself, ask for help, demand it if you have to.  You are worth it.  absolutely and completely worth it!

Want to read more about motherhood? Have a look at Are you Perfect? and Big Fat Fail

Keep smiling,

mamacino x

PS I just Googled images of stressed out mums and a picture of a screw driver came up…oh dear!

Beach Walks, Brunettis And My BFFs

I am blessed to have the best girlfriends in the world.  It doesn’t matter if they live five minutes from here or far away across the seas…they are always there for me, and I am truly thankful for that.

This week, I have been lucky to spend time with many of them, talking and drinking coffee (okay, and champagne) solving my problems and the world’s with a generous spirit, an open mind and a shoulder to lean on.  I have been walking in the sunshine along the beach, pouring my heart out to a relatively new friend who has become very special to me for her wisdom, kindness and her willingness to listen.  I have been cheered up by my Book Club friends over champagne, delicious cake and great conversation (not about the book, as usual).  They make me laugh so much…an awesome gaggle of girls with whom, after five years, I couldn’t do without.  And…as if it couldn’t get any better…I shared a coffee and lemon tart with my oldest school friends at Brunetti’ s in Carlton.

Latte...with love.

I love living by the beach but I am a Melbourne girl at heart so an opportunity to go SANS children for brunch in the city with my best friends is very, very exciting for me.  I blow dried my hair, dug out some bling and put on my favorite black summer dress.  Driving down Lygon Street feeling very cosmopolitan, I was flooded with memories of, dare I say it…when I was young!  The specialties of the local delis…organic sourdough breads, Italian olive oils, freshly made pasta, amazing coffee were calling to me…the energy of the place is infectious.  I even found a car park easily!  On meeting my friends we took up right where we left off last time even though it has been months since I saw them last.  With 8 children between us, we are used to talking fast and making the most of every moment.  We ate, drank, indulged and nobody got a parking ticket!  Definitely a great day out.  I left with a smile on my face and a spring in my step.  I was feeling…happy, loved and part of  a bigger picture.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Being a mum can be so busy.  You can be surrounded by people but still feel lonely.  Sometimes you just need to connect with a friend, someone who will listen and not judge.  Someone you can just have fun and laugh with.  Someone with whom, you can be 100% yourself.  I am lucky to have so many of these wonderful women in my life.  Whether they are taking my children to school for me, making time to talk or just sending a message to say ‘hey’, they mean the world to me and I wouldn’t want to be without them.

mamacino x

Do You Dare To Day Care?

I have just left my son, who is fifteen months old, at Occasional Care for the first time.  I feel like my arm has been ripped off.  And I’m not new to daycare, both of my daughters spent some time in care at some point, and it was fine.  But this feels…different.

I have been indulging in self-doubt for around a week now and at five o’clock this morning as we were tangled together in morning cuddles, I nearly called the whole thing off.  But despite my misgivings, and despite Steve Biddulph’s clear warning in Raising Boys to never, ever, under any circumstances leave a boy under three in day care (well, he doesn’t use those words exactly but that’s the gist) I have gone through with it.  And left him.  For no good reason.  So I can go to yoga, for goodness sake!  Worst. Mother. Ever.

The actual leaving was okay.  There were no tears.  Well, not from Master L anyway.  The room is wonderful, full of colorful soft toys, artful paints, glitters and glue, sand pits and swings, lovely carers and even a bird, named Lucky.  I mean this will be good for him right?  To play with kids his own age, develop a little independence…I’ve packed extra Anzacs to make amends for my abandonment just in case.

Okay, so what to do now?  I can’t go far, they might ring, you know, if he freaks out or anything.  I live in a small town and it’s impossible to do your shopping or have a coffee without bumping into a handful of friendly acquaintances who are used to seeing me rush around with a trail of children.  “Where’s the baby?” they ask, slightly alarmed, like maybe I’ve left him in the car.  “He’s at Occasional Care but really, you know it’s only three hours and I’m on my own and…”.  Why am I justifying it?  Why? Because I feel guilty.  Why?  Answer that and you will have unlocked the secret of motherhood.

Sweetened Mascarpone? Yes, thank you.

So here I am, drinking my soy latte and delighting in toasted banana bread (to early for cake – even by my standards) and wondering how this ‘me time’ is possibly more important than being with my son.  The woman sitting next to me is trying to talk to her friend.  They have three small children with them.  She has been up no less than twelve times since her cappuccino arrived.  She has dealt with one broken glass juice bottle and one repeat offender runaway toddler.  She is outwardly patient and tolerant and caring but I know inwardly she is screaming “I JUST WANT TO DRINK MY COFFEE!”.  Okay, so maybe this isn’t so bad after all.

An hour has passed.  No phone call.  Perhaps, I could be a little more positive.  I mean, guilt is such an unproductive emotion.  As Sarah Napthali says in Buddhism for Parents on the Go, that when we feel guilt, we exaggerate our own importance.  Okay, I’m really important in my son’s life but I am not the sole shining light, his sun and moon and all the stars in between…there is room for…help.  For support.  And for others to share his experience, his smile…and his dirty nappies.

You never know, I might even be a better mother for it.

mamacino x

Absence Makes the heart Grow Fonder

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, doesn’t it?

My husband is part time.  His job is such that he leaves us for up to six weeks at a time.  I can’t say too much because where he is and what he’s doing is ‘classified’…which makes it sound more exciting than it probably is!  And so, for six months of the year, or there about, I’m a Single Mother…just the kids and I, yep…me and the kids….for up to six weeks.  It sounds horrific, I know.  Three kids, that’s a lot of work.  But, you know, it’s not so bad.  Sure, there are disadvantages, but there are advantages too…when you think about it, maybe it’s the perfect arrangement.

We have been living this way for about six years now so I am used to it and pretty good at adapting to the change from having a full time husband to none at all.  Even the kids don’t get too worried about it now.  I mean we all miss him (really, we do) and I definitely have my hands full but we have finetuned the routine and it’s just possible, that maybe things run a little more smoothly with only four in the bed.

The Pros and Cons of a Part-time Husband

On the upside…there is seriously less work with the man of the house not in the house.  Less washing, less cleaning and a lot less cooking.  No one cares if I have breakfast for dinner three nights in a row and I have been known to get my money’s worth out of a Spaghetti Bolognaise.  There is no judgement or accountability on budgetary spending… I can spend household cash on new jeans or skin care because who cares if we don’t eat meat for a week?  I have total control of the bed, television, IPod and car radio …actually, just total control of my own life.  There is usually a (brief) honeymoon period and romantic homecoming with the possibility of dinner at a nice restaurant sans children.  I get to spend a lot of time with my kids and there isn’t usually anything a strong gin and tonic can’t fix.

On the not-so-up-side…it does get a bit lonely on a Saturday night staying home drinking tea and watching Bridget Jones’ Diary for the twenty fifth time.  Even though I have generous and supportive friends who I couldn’t live without, limited child care options means no yoga when I need it most.  I get very little ‘me time’. This has a very negative effect on personal grooming resulting in concerns of the hirsute kind…no waxing for six weeks? You get the picture.  The dinner-bath-bed routine, every mother’s nemesis must be repeated FORTY TWO TIMES SOLO…surely punishment for sins committed in a previous life (although this is where that gin and tonic comes in handy – who cares about splashing in the bathroom…kids love a tipsy mum).  And finally, the expectations that accompany the dinner in a nice restaurant which after six weeks can be like doing it on the first date… embarrassing, even without the personal grooming ‘situation’ (again, employ help of the indispensible gin and tonic).

Special occasions are often missed, birthdays, anniversaries, lost teeth and school concerts and this can hurt.  We have had the conversation a thousand times…are we doing what is the best for our family? But the fact is we have a pretty great life.  My kids get to have their Dad at home when he’s not away at work and they get to spend some pretty special quality time together.  Not many people have conventional working hours these days and so we all just make the best of our individual situation.  We make it work.  And when we get it right, it’s worth the struggle.