Becoming a Mother is a life changing event in the life of a woman…but are we ready for it when it happens? It’s not unusual to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, bored, resentful and even a little bit lost but we don’t tend to talk about those kinds of feelings, do we?
I was in the city last weekend. As I was walking down Swanston Street with Leo in the pram (trying to get him to have a sleep and give the others a reprieve from his wayward behaviour) I over heard (okay, was eavesdropping) on a conversation going on behind me. A lovely young mum and her partner were walking along in the sunshine with a beautiful little baby sleeping in the pram. Their conversation went like this….
Mum…”You just don’t understand…I never get out of the house, even to run errands. I just wanted to do something nice today, to have a nice time. I’m chained to the house! You just don’t understand…”
Partner…silent…looking around for escape exit…obviously would rather be anywhere else.
Mum…”You just don’t understand”.
I understand.
I think all Mothers understand. We’ve been there, are there…continue to visit on a regular basis.
It is challenging becoming a mum for the first time (and each and every time after that!) and we don’t always get the support and understanding we need to help us get through it. I immediately related to what this woman was saying. She was craving a small slice of her old life…some fun, some relaxation…but by the sounds of things, her partner didn’t get it. He probably didn’t want to pay for a nice lunch or was in a rush to get home and watch the football (Okay, I totally assumed that, but, you know…).
I can remember being furious with my husband who would wake up on a Saturday morning and declare he was off to mow the lawn. Because he could! He could just get up and do whatever he liked…and I was left with the children, again. Sometimes he would just pop down to the shed for 20 minutes to work out and I would want to divorce him! Why couldn’t I just pop down to the shed for 20 minutes…not to work out, obviously, but just to sit there in the quiet! I’m not saying men don’t have to make changes when they become Fathers and I’m not discounting the obvious pressure that is often placed on them financially but lets face it…mums bare the brunt of the lifestyle change…until they find their voice.
It took me a while to find my voice, but I did find it. I also found some independence…which wasn’t hard since my partner is away half of the year. I learned to speak up. To delegate, to share responsibility. Men, God love em’, don’t understand…but they’re not mind readers either.
From Pinterest
Guidelines for new mums…
And so what I wanted to turn around and tell this woman was that it would get better, it would get easier. The time does fly. They will go to school one day…and you will feel sad (I know, I didn’t believe it at the time either). I wanted to tell her she is only chained to the house by her own expectations…it’s okay to take your baby out while your partner is at work. Leave the housework…go to the park, the shops or have a coffee in the sun. Treat yourself to something nice, you are allowed to. In fact, it is essential!
Do you remember being frustrated and housebound when you first became a mum? What advice would you give other women as they begin on this life long journey?
Love and light,
mamacino x
Love this. You are absolutely spot on. It’s the days you do nothing (by your own choice usually to break from the hard work it takes to get out of the house…) that are the most dreary and you feel the most frustrated. Men totally don’t understand. Love that pinterest Mantra…may steal it for myself.
Please do…sometimes it’s the simple reminders
We (and society) put such high expectations on ourselves. Everyone has an opinion about parenting and the media rarely portray parenting honestly. You go into parenthood with an ideal of how you’d like to be, but then the reality happens and there is no way to really prepare. Although.. I’ve been thinking about this since reading your post and I have one idea… what if rather than the useless antenatal classes the hospital puts together – we organise something like NASA prepares astronauts or Navy Seal training or something? You know… lots of psych work to make sure you are good with enclosed spaces, coping with isolation well, eating a liquid diet? (getting used to living off the land (in this case, kitchen bench and kids plates), making sure you don’t crack under pressure (sleep deprivation)?
Might make some think twice before taking the plunge into parenthood, lol…maybe they keep us in the dark for a reason!
I’d love to tell this young Mum to slow down, take every day as it comes and know that it will get better. Also for now, she could do worse than find a mothers group or a play group. Having that little bit of help and adult company can make all the difference.
Lots of Love
Mumabulous
Great advice…I agree. Adult company makes all the difference and getting out of the house with a purpose helps fill those long days.
Oh, i relate, and still do (with a 2 & 5 year old), sometimes (most of the time) I crave the freedom of my “old” life…and the lighter me who didnt have so much to lose.
We just didn’t know, did we? Remember taking a whole hour or more to get ready to go out? Now we have to get four or five people ready in half the time!
Oh yes, yes, yes! My memory of early motherhood was sitting alone in a lounge room, holding or feeding our daughter, whilst my partner was outside, somewhere, doing something terribly important, when I desperately needed some company. When baby number two came around (and after a 12 month separation!! Eesh!) we have tried to be clearer about each others needs and for me to actually communicate them. I don’t like admitting that I have them, but indeed I do!
Great post. xx
Why are we so scared to speak up? We must keep talking about these experiences to encourage other mums to ask for help and support xx
Wow. You hit the nail on the head with that one. I have tears that rung so true for me. Even second time round I expect there to be more understanding because I communicate the need for comfort and escape and rest to my husband even more this time, but I ‘know’ it’s not a matter of him not caring but just genuinely not understanding because the lack of freedom is not something you can grasp without experiencing it like us mums do directly! But such a powerful message that the days are long and the years fast, I see that so clearly with my 2.5 year old.
But how do we enjoy each moment when on some level we’re also wishing it could all go a little faster because some days are lost so lonely and boring!
Bel, I totally understand and have been where you are exactly. my husband took on a new job when my second daughter was newborn and was away from months. I don’t know how I survived that time, loneliness and isolation describing my every day. But…I did survive it, and it taught me to take matters into my own hands. Now, with three children, I know how to make it easier and more enjoyable for myself. I delegate, I make plans, I get out of the house…even if it is just to pop in to my favourite whole foods cafe for the best soy latte in town
and always up for a chat too!