Some of us might remember our mothers telling us…”if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”…Great advice if you ask me!
I received a message from my gorgeous girlfriend this week asking for some advice on how I would respond to a pretty nasty comment.
My lovely friend, stay at home mother of two beautiful little boys, was dished out some ‘stay-at-home-mum-disapproval’ in the supermarket by an acquaintance of hers as she was minding her own business, buying some milk…and not for the first time. Are you ready for it? Here it is…and I quote…
“You don’t use your brain if you don’t work and it’s the responsibility of any grown adult to go out and earn money for the household. I could never stay home with kids all day.”
I won’t repeat my suggested response except to say it began with an F and ended in Off.
It is completely and utterly beyond me why someone would choose to judge another person on their choices in life and especially another mother! Even if we do have opinions and thoughts about how other mums do it, voicing those opinions in a negative manner is unhelpful, unsupportive and quite frankly, doesn’t do much for the Sisterhood. Goodness knows we face enough obstacles on this journey without criticism and cutting remarks from those who should be on our team. We don’t need anyone’s help in adding to our stores of guilt, we do a good enough job of that on our own!
from Kirri White…please visit her beautiful website…Happy Mums at Home
Now, there are hundreds of reasons why people choose to stay at home with their children and probably an equal number of reasons people choose to return to work. My friend gave up a career as a Chemical Engineer to be there for her two boys. The girl has a brain, believe me, she used to design and operate world-class pharmaceutical manufacturing plants for a living…but the point is, we all make choices according to our own beliefs, values and our individual situations. Sometimes these choices might not be choices at all but decisions reached through serious soul searching and sometimes necessity. I think all mothers deserve the benefit of the doubt…we are doing the best job we know how to do and we need support, love and friendship…not belittling from those who know how tough it can be.
from pinterest
Now, I don’t want to go into the reasons why this lady feels so compelled to air her views every time she runs into my friend because that’s her business. All I want to say, really, is be kind, be thoughtful. Consider the feelings of others and accept that you probably don’t know everything about them, their lives and the reasons they make certain decisions. What’s right for one isn’t going to be right for everyone so lighten up, be positive and maybe even reach out and tell another mum what an awesome job she’s doing, offer some support. After all, as Ben Lee says...We’re all in this together.
Have you ever been criticised for choices you have made on your journey through motherhood? It’s a land mine subject…breastfeeding, returning to work, day care, names, food choices, whether or not your child should wear a singlet if the temperature drops under 25 degrees…the list goes on…and on…and on. Sometimes it seems no matter what we do, there will be someone we fail to please. So I say, please yourself, listen to your heart, follow your instinct. Talk to me! I’ll support you! I think you’re doing an AMAZING job!
Love and light,
mamacino x
I am not sure why people can’t keep their unhelpful thoughts to themselves… I have not been criticized, but I have had people express ongoing surprise that I am still at home after 9 years (mostly came about because of high childcare costs and a husband who rarely gets home before 7-8pm) and some comments on my style of parenting (no punishments or rewards style)
I’m not too sure either Deb but I think Imogen has hit the nail on the head…see below x
I grew up with my mum having to work 9-5, 5 days a week. My mum couldn’t drive so she relied on buses, therefore she didn’t get home till after 6 each night and was left by 8am in the morning. From kindergarten I went to a babysitter until mum got home from work. I watched the other kids mums drop them off and pick them up from school, the other kids had homemade treats in their lunch boxes. My mum didn’t have a choice to stay home, she worked her beautiful butt off during the week, and then had to clean and wash the weeks clothes on the weekend. All I wanted was to see my mum at the end of a school day and go home to the smell of dinner cooking and a relaxed mum. So don’t listen to the critics, your children want you home …, I know because I was one once
Rachael, this comment brought tears to my eyes. I can just imagine your Mum and what pressure she must have been under. You are right, not all of us have a choice…sometimes it just is what it is x
Well said!
That woman makes me quite crazy. I’ve never understood judging anthers choices before we walk in their shoes.
I’ve been judge for being a single mother and it was even suggested it was a choice I asked for. I’ve been judged for working, but how I would support myself and my child with out doing so I beyond me. Judgement comes so easily but have you noticed that those doing the judging would never tolerate anyone telling them their choices are wrong?
One of the great things about getting older is that opinions fall off me like rain.
It’s good the rain isn’t soaking in and leaving you feeling all damp and cold…if that was the case, I’m sure some of us would have drowned by now. I think you’re an awesome Mum…a doctor and a writer? What a great role model x
You’re fantastic. I really need to edit before I hit send though. Good heavens.
I just made a cheesecake with you in mind.
Ooh, sounds delicious x
As I have gotten older I realise that people who are judgemental and critical are presenting an insight to their own insecurities. I have been judged many times by women ranging from my appearance to my parenting style and when I hear what they say I then look at them and think, ‘why do you need to say this to me?’ and then I see it, their insecurities. Don’t misunderstand, I do NOT ever take rubbish from anyone, and I have no time for negativity, but seeing the source of their criticisms helps to not take it personally because really it is about them not you.
If anyone can tell me why women are so hard on each other I would love to know. We should all support each other, especially mothers. I think it’s a sad and pathetic comment that your poor friend had hurled at her, but really it is a very transparent statement about the person who said it to her.
Right on sister xx
Amen!
Can I start by saying that your blog is looking so, so, so awesome, beautiful, gorgeous, freaking amazing?? I love it. It reminds me of many lovely mosques I have visited in my previous life, pre-motherhood. And your banner! Divine! Did you take the photo, style the shot, is it your house?? It’s so lovely.
I totally agree that the advise people give says more about them than it does you. Especially the random, don’t even really know you, throw away advise. That said, it still drives me crazy!
Both of my children have been pretty terrible sleepers and if one more person says sleep school to me I will scream. Or that rod for your own back business. I want my children to have a reasonable degree of autonomy and to be respected as people. I am not going to apologise for that!!
I love the motherhood quote. Absolutely spot on. xx
Hi Lee…yes, the photo for my new banner was styled by me using all my own things and taken in my own kitchen, by me…it was supposed to have me in it but the photographer (my husband) and I had artistic differences resulting in him walking out and me eating his (last) piece of the delicious nut slice he was saving…ha
I know the sleep school lecture – all three of mine are dreadful sleepers too! I’m just hopeful by the time they’re 14 they will be all sleeping soundly in their own beds. Hope your day got better xxx
It blows me away that people judge so easily. To each their own….
Absolutely….it just makes sense, doesn’t it? Thanks for stopping by Emily Lynne x
To one of the most amazing mothers I know….I had to write soemthing about this blog….I has a marathon of emotions when I read this one…Initially I felt like I needed to find this acquaintence of your friends, and give her a piece of my mind….now I feel sad for her. At first, I thought she was just guilt ridden and wanted to put someone down to make herself feel so wonderful, then I wondered if she truely meant it, which made me sad. I have sent out some positive thoughts for this lady to reconsider her comments and take action to become more accepting of the lives of others. As you mentioned…we are all in this together, we are part of a bigger place which makes us all brothers and sisters. So as a sister….I can either go and steal her best outfit or her boysfriend….which isn’t the right thing to do, but funny! Rather, the best option is to keep doing what we do well….live and love! Maybe she’ll get the idea and take note?
PS….I agree with Lee, I TOTALLY love your new blog face. I have made so many connections.
sounds like a nasty case of the green eyed monster to me, what works for one may not for another. Ive been the 8-5 f/t mum with kiddies in oosh morning and afternoon and the stay at home mum, i now work p/t 3 days school hours as my 3rd has some extra needs and even if he didn’t this works better for us and im lucky enough to be able to financially. If they cant be supportive when your at your lowest and they give you nothing but the guilt’s when things are good, id be looking for more positive people to spend my time with.
Well said Linda x